Yesterday when I was looking through the devotional book that my mom had given me, I opened up the front cover. She always writes inscriptions in the books she gives me. I love and cherish those messages meant for only me...and it reminds me of why she chose to give me that particular book. I wanted to share what she wrote in yesterday's blog, but it didn't tie in to what God had given me to write. But it ties in perfectly with what He gave me for today. Imagine that. Surprise. :)
In 2004, while doing my devotions one morning before the kids woke up, I read Romans 10:14-15:
"How then shall they call on Him in whom they have not believed? and how shall they believe in Him of whom they have not heard? and how shall they hear without a preacher? And how shall they preach except they be sent?..."
When I read that - and I had read it before - but this particular time, when I read that....I felt something like electricity run through my whole body. And at the same time, I clearly heard God speak to my heart that He was calling me to preach. It sounded crazy. I am a shy person. I HATE to speak in front of others. I hate to stand in front of others and to be the center of attention. Whenever I have had to do those things, I have had to force myself to step out of my comfort zone...and it's usually for a good reason...either to glorify God or to lift others up. Knowing what I know about God and how He has a history of calling people to do things and then waiting years before He brings it to completion, I knew that I had some time before He would actually expect me to preach. And I was fine with that! :) But every time over the last 6 years that I have thought about that calling, I have thought....I am so unworthy. I'm not a good speaker. My legs shake and my mouth gets dry and my heart beats fast....I can force myself to do it but there are many others who are gifted in this area. I couldn't understand why God would choose me.
Over the past year or so, there have been several people who have told me that I have a gift for writing. For years, I have wanted to write a book but the same thing was stopping me: I haven't felt worthy of that or like I could do it. Since I have been writing my own Surprise Me journal, God has been showing me that He is reaching others through me. And last night, I came to the realization that THIS IS PREACHING. This is reaching others with the Gospel of Christ...through an ordinary person with ordinary life experiences...who isn't afraid to be vulnerable on paper or in a blog. I don't have to stand in front of others and be a traditional preacher. That is not my gift. This is my gift. I am so humbled yet so honored to be able to do this for the One who gives me breath each day.
My brother Tom is a very humble man. He has such a beautiful heart. He loves others, puts others first, and is a wonderful example of a godly husband, father, friend, brother, and son. His pastor asked him last year sometime to think about starting a church plant in another city. After much prayer and talking it over with his family, he decided to do it. He will be pastoring a church. You know what? He hasn't said, but I know my brother and I know that he must have struggled....and probably still does....with feeling unworthy of this calling. Maybe afraid that he won't do a good job....or afraid that he said yes when he should have said no...afraid he bit off more than he could chew.
I would venture to say that we all feel unworthy and weak at some point in our lives....probably at many points. And I know it sounds cliche, but it is absolutley 100% truth: it is in our weakness that He is able to show Himself strong. Here's the inscription from the front of my book:
For my precious daughter, Heather. The words of Henry Nouwen: "Where is His peace to be found? In weakness! Few people tell us this truth, but there is peace to be found in our own weaknesses, in those places in our hearts where we feel most broken, most insecure, most in agony, most afraid. In our weakness we are forced to let go from doing much, thinking much, and relying on our own self-sufficiency. Right where we are most vulnerable, the peace that is not of this world is mysteriously hidden."
Remember, sweetheart, that the moment you know you are not worthy is when Christ steps in and says, "Oh, yes you are!"
Love, Mumsy
Now re-read that as if it was written for you. Because in a way, it was. God wanted me to share that with you. Go ahead....I'll wait......:)
Let Him use your weaknesses. Don't be afraid of them. Nothing else you or anyone else thinks about your worth will change the truth. HE says you are worthy. Surprise us, God....
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