Today at work was damage control from the weekend...then I had to leave to go to a meeting for a new client...and the Service Coordinator was someone who I had never met....but I have heard a lot about. I didn't wanna like her. But the more I sat there, the more I realized she was really nice. And I do like her. And that made me mad because I didn't want to. Isn't that horrible???? I hate the way my mind works sometimes. So after work on my drive to get the kids, I made peace with her in my mind. She hasn't done anything to me....there's no real reason to make peace with her....but the mind is a powerful thing. And if I didn't make peace with her in my mind, no matter if she did anything to deserve my dislike or not....I would harbor resentment and bitterness toward her for no good reason. So I resolved to let it go....and embrace the fact that I need to have a working relationship with this woman. So I let it go. And I felt a little better....
Til I got the kids in the car and they started in on each other. I had picked them up early cuz my meeting ended early. Man, don't they know I need a break from this crap? I mean seriously. Okay....standard response to such situations...."Everybody be quiet unless you are talking to me. Unless you have something nice to say, I don't wanna hear it!" You would think that silence would prevail the rest of the way home....but these are MY kids. :) After threat of bodily harm, we finally made it home with no injuries. I promptly went up to my room and locked myself in it as I have for the last two nights. I am not used to having a short fuse. I am not used to feeling like I am going to go off on someone if they say one more negative thing. But I was all ready to send someone to the basement for lockdown should they utter a single negative comment.....and I know my kids....and I know they had spent all day together in a small space...and that they were not capable of adhering to my fantasy. LOL So....I did the only thing I thought would help the situation. Mommy had a time out.
So I laid on my bed wondering how I was gonna come down from this feeling and actually come down from my cave and make dinner and be civil. And I remembered the drawers. I have a nightstand with two drawers. Every time I have gotten a letter or a card that is meaningful to me, I have put it into one of these drawers. There isn't anything else in them. Just good stuff. I needed good stuff. So......I opened one drawer and emptied it all onto my bed, propped myself up with 3 pillows and turned the fan on for background noise....and started reading. I think the first thing I read made me cry. I went through almost all of the contents of the first drawer before I stopped reading because I needed tissues. I read a letter from Christmas time from my best guy friend who sent me and the kids some things just because....and some cards from flowers that he has sent me over the years. There were numerous cards from my best girlfriend who always seems to send cards at just the right time because she said God told her I needed encouragement. Many of the cards were from my mom.....a best friend of another kind....who is tied to me emotionally so much so that she feels my pain and knows when I need support. Just today she texted me and asked me if I was sad or if it was her....because she was down and didn't know why. I called her and apologized because I knew it was me....and I always feel bad when she feels my pain. There was a card from a woman who was on the same Emmaus team I was on years ago....who thanked me for telling my story of abuse. She had been abused as a child but never had the courage to say so out loud. She encouraged me that many women would be touched by my testimony. I could go on and on and on.....but I will stop at this: I have been surprised tonight by the words of those who have already spoken to me. Words that have been stored up for such a time as this. Thank You, God....for encouraging me today with words written months....even years....ago. Only You could think of and plan for something like this.
Tomorrow's a new day.....Surprise Me, God. :)
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