Day 15. Halfway there. Today my first meeting of the day was in Hocking County, 45 minutes from home. The drive down there was nice. Just me and the open road through hills and country....woods and rocks and thick early morning fog. I love to drive...it gives me time to think, time to sing to my favorite songs....time to just look at the beauty all around me. I've been struggling with a few things lately, and on the drive down I thought a lot about those things....from every angle. My heart was hurting.
After my meeting, I had decided I was going to go visit my only client in Hocking County while I was down there. He happened to be out, but his sister-in-law (who is also the staff that provides services from our agency) was there. I went to go meet her and planned on going over paperwork with her at my client's home, even though he wasn't there. Let me just say that this woman has an attitude. She has a chip on her shoulder and will find anything negative to say in any situation. Needless to say, I was dreading this visit. She met me in the driveway and got out of her truck to ask me if she could treat me to lunch and we could review the documents at the restaurant. It was all I could do to choke out the words, "Okay. That would be nice. Where would you like to go?" I had a lump in my throat the size of Texas. God surprised me. I needed that. She was so nice and sweet the whole time we were together. What in the world???? Wow.
I got back to the office and of course, there is more drama. Horrible drama. My co-worker had called to let us know that something horrific had happened to her 18 year old daughter while she was touring a potential college. Her family was on their way to Toledo, where the girl is in ICU with horrible physical damage....but even worse emotional trauma. Jesus. That's all I could think. I couldn't even imagine something like that happening to my daughter. I would probably kill anyone who ever laid a hand on her. My heart and stomach were just sick....and that put a damper on the rest of the day. I can't get it out of my mind.
Then I found out my client is being released from the psych ward today....still "ramped up," according to the social worker. What the heck? Treat her physical symptoms and push her out the door because she is costing too much money for the hospital having to keep a nurse with her 1:1 for suicide watch. Not to mention she threatened to, and attempted to hurt others. So now I have to tell my staff to deal with it the best they know how...follow her behavior plan...follow her ISP. But that's not gonna help them if she decides she wants to hurt someone. And I feel guilt over something I have no control over....and fear for them.
The kids and I got pizza on the way home and Maddie wanted me to watch Extreme Home Makeover with her....why in the world...of all shows....would she pick the one that makes me cry every time?! LOL So here I am layin there watchin it with her, and she's makin fun of my crying over a TV show. Geez. I had to get up and go do somethin to get my mind off of everything that was on my mind! So I got on the computer...usually an escape for me...and there was a message from a friend of mine that tore my heart up even more. He is having such a very difficult time. And I have been where he is. And I feel his pain. And I want to fix it. But I know this is something he is just gonna have to walk through. I'm just praying he remembers he is not alone....and not to try to tackle everything by himself....support is needed in hard times. It's just hard to ask for it sometimes. I know....I've been there too. Stubborn. :)
So after more tears, I thought....what I need is to go back upstairs and finish going through my drawers of cards. So I did. And I cried some more. But they were happy tears. So many memories. There were lots of cards from my neighbor who passed away last summer. And lots of cards of encouragement from my other neighbor...she is like a second mom to me. But one thing stood out to me. A tiny bookmark. I read the back of it and I remembered....
I used to volunteer at prisons in a ministry called Kairos. There was a special song that we used to sing to the women inmates:
You are loved. You are beautiful. You're a gift of God, His own creation. You're a gift to all mankind, His gift of love to them. You are loved. God danced the day you were born.
The tears and sobbing and brokenness that came from these outcasts of society hearing others tell them God loves them...they are precious...and looking into their eyes as we sang to them....it was unbelievable. Healing. After I had moved on from that ministry to being a camp counselor for teens, I suggested to the women on the team that we do the same for the girls at the camp. So we started a tradition of doing that. Same response. EVERYONE needs to know they are loved. Everyone. When we sang to the girls, we passed out a bookmark to each of them. Average was like 30-40 girls. Each bookmark was personalized on the back. It said the girl's name and then, "You are loved!" A few years ago, we did that again to all the girl campers one night. I had one bookmark left over and couldn't figure out who it belonged to, and then I remembered one of the girls had to leave camp early and wasn't there that night. Her name was Heather. I turned the bookmark over and saw, "Heather~ You are loved!" in my handwriting. I had to leave the room because I was so overwhelmed with what God had done. So tonight when I saw that bookmark, it took me back to that night. And it's just as real and relevant today as it was back then. And I needed to hear it just as much tonight as I did back then. Maybe moreso. I love how God surprises me.
Tomorrow's a new day.....
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