I have missed this. Writing. Letting God speak through me to others. He has been calling me back to this, so here I am. Again, I feel so unworthy of this calling. As I sit here I don't really even know what to say. But that is the whole point. It is not me who has to have the words. They are not mine.
For what seems like so long now, joy and peace have been foreign things to me. Yes I get tremendous joy from my children. Yes I laugh and joke around with others and have fun here and there. But no lasting joy. No peace that lasts. And I know what those both feel like. So I know what I am missing. And I don't like to live like this. Constant anxiety. Sadness. Feeling hopeless. And each day I get up and go through the motions and feel the same things...and function. And no one else really knows what goes on inside. Sometimes I talk about it with someone I trust. Most times I just live with it and live day to day. Sometimes moment to moment. And I feel like God just has to give me the strength to keep breathing because I just don't have it in me anymore to try.
I know all of that sounds pretty morose. And maybe even scary. But I am just being honest and sincere and vulnerable. This is what God has called me to be so others will know they are not alone. As uncomfortable it may be to open up and write these words, I trust Him with everything. And I know He has a plan behind me sharing these things.
This morning I was talking to Him in the car and just asking Him why I don't have joy and why I don't have peace. I know the things that cause me anxiety but for most of my life I have had difficult things to deal with and for the most part I was still able to have joy and peace. He spoke to my heart instantly...."It's because you haven't been spending time with Me." But God, I read a devotion on my phone twice a day. I pray. "But you haven't been giving me the first part of your day, reading My Word and praying to Me and waiting quietly for Me to speak to you. I AM your peace. I AM your joy. I AM your strength. I AM your home."
And that was all that needed to be said. Yes, God. You are all those things. And You are so right.
The words in the picture above are from a favorite old song of mine. I love it because of how that song was birthed....the true story that led to the song. If you aren't familiar with it, it would be well worth your time to look it up. But the chorus above is the best part. It speaks volumes. He is our peace in the midst of any storm we face. Any sorrow. He is greater. He holds us in the palm of His hand.
It is well with my soul.
Amen.
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