Yesterday I had a meltdown. I'm not proud of it. It hardly ever happens. I don't yell. We aren't even allowed to say "shut up" in my house! But after 3 days of listening to the kids bicker and fight and not listen to me when I told them not to talk to each other....and dozens of times of trying to be the peacemaker and settle arguments....I was done. I punched the radio in the car to turn it off, slammed my hands on the steering wheel, and yelled at the top of my lungs, "SHUT UP!!!!" .....silence.....
They both started crying. And I was okay with that! (Who the heck was this woman in my body?!?!?) I pulled into our driveway and told them to go to their rooms until I called them for dinner. After a while I went upstairs and, one at a time, I explained to them that I was sorry that I yelled but not sorry for being upset. They need to learn to get along or take my advice and ignore each other. So last night I was dealing with the frustration of that. Add to that anger from being lied about, not believed, betrayed....and the loss of two people I thought were friends...and the selfishness of yet another person...the lack of total disregard for my feelings and the cold attitude and silence. I am just so disheartened with people. Why be fake and pretend to be someone you're not to get what you want? Why lie about someone else to protect yourself from being caught in the FIRST lie you told??? Why insist you care about someone only to make them feel lower than the sole of your shoe? I try to be the best friend I can be and I expect the same in return. Maybe I am expecting too much??? But then I think even if I am, I would rather expect too much and have a couple really good friends than not expect anything and have people in my life who do nothing but bring pain into it. All I know is that today I am feeling REALLY jaded. I know in my heart there is good out there. But I'm done trying to pretend like I know it when I see it. Cuz it's obvious I don't.
Today while I was sitting at my desk....feeling overwhelmed with all these emotions...I just looked up at the bulletin board in front of me on the wall. The first thing I saw was a love letter from God that my old supervisor gave to me for my birthday last year. It reminds me that I am God's child, and that no matter what anyone else thinks of me or says to me....I am precious to Him. Then I saw the ring bound notecards on which every one of my old co-workers wrote how they would remember me when I left for a new job. Below both of those is an ornament probably meant for a Christmas tree....but that I have kept at my desk ever since my good friend and neighbor gave it to me....it's of Winnie the Pooh and Piglet and has a saying about friendship on it. Then there's a quote from a book I read (Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World) that I just had to keep:
Laura Barker Snow writes about the difficult times we all face and how we need to view such times through the sovereignty and goodness of God, to live as if God is saying: My child, I have a message for you today; let me whisper it in your ear, that it may gild with glory any storm clouds which may arise, and smooth the rough places upon which you may have to tread. It is short, only five words, but let them sink into your
inmost soul; use them as a pillow upon which to rest your weary head.… This thing is from ME.
Wow. I LOVE that. Then there's a yellow notecard that I used to write another quote I read somewhere...."God looks at impossible...and laughs." And a bookmark and lots of beaded keychains that my favorite client made for me. A folded accordion-style paper design my daughter made for me. A photocopy of one of my all-time favorite clients' hand....with his name at the top of the paper. Heart garland entwined around the top of the corkboard....my old co-worker and friend had decorated our office one year for Valentine's Day and I kept that because she loves hearts and it reminded me of her. Next to all that is a hanging board I made with my daughter, a sand art picture she made, more heart garland, and family pictures.
I got my camera out and took pictures of these things....and I looked back at my friend Brooke who was just staring at me with a smile on her face. I told her what had just hit me....and why I was taking the pictures...and it was this:
Sometimes there are people in our lives who bless us by saying something kind, encouraging us with words or a hug or a smile, sending a card that arrives at just the right time, a timely phone call....and those are absolutely amazing and wonderful things when we need them and there they are. But MOST of the time, we are left to muddle through days that are tough by ourselves. And there really is no one who speaks anything exceptional into our lives to help lighten the load. We have got to be prepared to be our own encouragers. We have got to remind ourselves that we are okay. We are good enough. We are....fill in the blank...(with something GOOD!) I don't know about you, but I'm not too good at that. I am a perfectionist and I tend to focus on where I went wrong and what I need to improve on.....not on what I did right. When I focus on what I am good at or what I have done right, I feel like I am tooting my own horn or that I am being conceited and I absolutely hate that. So I don't do it. BUT....we all need to. Including me. So.....I have learned at least that much over the last couple of years. And I have kept things that have meant something to me. Things that make me feel good about myself and about those that love me and that I love. And I surround myself with these things. My kitchen has things posted everywhere that encourage me. I'm at work 40 hours a week....give or take some time outside the office....but I am there A LOT!!! And although it's the best environment I have ever worked in, it's not always such a positive place! So I need to surround myself with good things. Good reminders.
I challenge you today to take better care of yourself. To value yourself more. To toot your own horn sometimes....or at least keep things close to you that remind you that others think you are pretty darn amazing. :) Because you are. God bless you.....and may tomorrow hold at least one surprise for you! :)
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