Help My Unbelief

My son Isaac has always been so connected to spiritual things since he could talk and tell me what he was feeling and seeing.  When he could barely talk, he saw an abstract picture of Jesus hanging on the wall in a church we were visiting and he pointed to it and said, "Jesus!"  I remember being so shocked because I didn't think he had ever seen a picture like that and couldn't understand how he knew to associate the name and the picture.  One time when he was a toddler, I was putting him to bed for a nap and he pointed up and tried to explain to me what he was seeing....something shiny floating around on the ceiling.  He called it an angel.  He has always asked me to pray with him if he is scared or sad or if he wants to ask God for something.  He is very sensitive to the atmosphere or mood of anywhere he goes.  In his own words, he has described to me feelings of oppression he gets when he is in an atmosphere that is spiritually dark.  He insists on having a stocking for Jesus hanging with the rest of ours at Christmas time.  He's not afraid to talk to anyone he meets about his beliefs, and I have overheard him tell others about God.  He asks me to do devotions with him before bed most nights, and asks me to pray with him.  He has comforted me and encouraged me by quoting Scripture to me at times when he has sensed I needed it.  He will pick up a Bible and read a bit of it if he sees one sitting around.  I have looked up to him for a long time for all of these things and more.  He is like a spiritual giant in an 8 year old's body.  At least in my eyes.  He believes.  Wholeheartedly.  Without reservation.

Today in church, we had just gotten there and were singing with the worship band and he whispered to me that he isn't sure that he believes God exists.  He was crying.  It broke my heart.  I knelt down and hugged him and whispered a prayer in his ear....and I told him we would talk later.  And we did.  Tonight before bed, I took my Bible upstairs and read him the parable in Mark 9:14-29.  It's about a man who came to the disciples and then to Jesus, asking for the demon to be cast out of his son that was causing the boy to be deaf and mute.  Jesus told him anything is possible for those who believe.  The man said, "Lord, I believe; help my unbelief." 

The man came to Jesus seeking healing and deliverance for his son.  Because he came requesting this, he must have had some measure of faith that Jesus could do what he was asking of Him.  And he did say that he believed.  However, he also asked for Jesus to help his unbelief.  So there must have been some doubt in there somewhere too. 

I think that the father of the deaf and mute boy and Isaac have probably experienced the same emotion associated with believing, yet doubting at the same time.  Wavering.  Uncertain.  Wanting so badly to believe, but trying to push past the doubt to get there.  It's human nature to doubt unless we have proof.  God doesn't offer us tangible proof that He exists.  That's where faith comes in.  Most of us haven't heard God's audible voice, or seen His face, or felt His touch.  But....there are things that we have heard, seen, or felt that have blown us away.  Perfect timing.  Perfect words of encouragement from someone who may not have even known you needed it.  A hug from a friend or a phone call from a family member touching base and letting us know that we are loved, appreciated, wanted...when we have been feeling like we are none of those things.  A sunset so beautiful it takes our breath away.  The miracle of new life....the heartbeat on the monitor...the tiny perfect toes and fingers.  Answered prayers....and maybe even answers to prayers you didn't even know your heart had prayed. 

It's SO okay to doubt.  Everyone does at times.  I bet if you asked any pastor, if they were honest, they would tell you that from time to time they doubt too.  I have heard a couple in my lifetime say that to their congregation.  I thank God for their real-ness so that I could know I wasn't alone in doubting sometimes. There is nothing wrong with doubt.  Just don't stop there.  Seek answers.  Keep your eyes and mind open.  Ask Him for help to overcome that unbelief.  He won't let you down.

"Lord, I believe; help my unbelief." ~Matthew 9:24